Piyush Chawla's Selection - No Longer a Secret

While Cricket columnists and commentators around the country have gone wildly insane in finding exactly why Piyush Chawla has been selected into the Indian test team, the Kiwi batsmen have reportedly taken this news with much trepidation. Sources reveal that the computer analyst of the NewZealand team has gone through every piece of video, article or blog post that is there on the internet to find a pattern as to how exactly does Chawla get his wickets but has come up with zilch.

An air of despondency has fallen over the already depressed Kiwis who were as such under tremendous mental stress knowing that the star Indian batsmen Laxman and Dravid will not be playing.
"I only agreed to get myself selected as I thought I could get their autographs." - an almost tearful young Kiwi confessed.

Meanwhile, when a bunch of over enthusiastic reporters tried to contact Chawla's parents to get their reaction on the selection, they apparently received a confused reply from them.
"Last we know, he was playing Virtual Cricket with Mantu, the neighbor's kid on PS3. May be he got some wickets in that game"  - was the hopeful conjecture of the father.

The Indian team is also none the wiser about the selection. Coach Fletcher was seen asking whether the Hyderabad stadium has a safe locker for him or not. Reportedly, the last time Chawla was around the dressing room, he had polished off all the high calorie bars and candies. The coach does not want to go empty handed to his grand kids this time.

When we sought Kris Srikkanth's opinion on this bizarre selection he jerked his thumb in our general direction and muttered "Po da, de!!".

Captain Dhoni though cut through the mystery by pointing out that - "Look, they have got Jeetan Patel and I am damn sure they have no idea what they have selected him for. It is only fair we select somebody that can keep us bamboozled. After all, we believe in playing on a level field."

Harbhajan to the Rescue of the Mentally Diseased

Harbhajan - A modern day Messiah!!

In an important press release, a leading mental health research institute of the country has announced that patients of clinical depression in the most advanced stages are responding positively to treatment after reading the latest news report that Harbhajan Singh has declared his fitness to play and desire to make it large. The accompanying report contains data from the trials conducted on the most hopeless of the patients who had found no relief for their mental agitation even after being administered with elephant tranquilizers. Reportedly, these candidates showed immediate signs of improvement after reading Bhajji's proclamations. “A few of them slept like babies” – said the beaming lead researcher.

IDEA - India Finds A Way To Win

BCCI, ever the evangelist, has come up with a revolutionary new format to bring uniformity of play in Cricket matches. The technical committee, which rushed in for an emergency session after learning that major sponsors have threatened to take their money to Hockey after India’s deplorable performance in England, has drafted a bill that suggests that all Test and ODI matches be played in a format where both teams will face the same bowling attack.

A spokesman informed that the different pitch conditions, varying weather and especially those inhumanly fast seam bowlers are seriously undermining India's prospects. To address these concerns, the board will co-ordinate a clandestine effort to replace pitch curators around the world with Indian expats who will ensure that India-like pitch conditions are enforced in all cricket grounds. This along with the new proposed format will make India absolutely invincible, if the sources are to be believed. "Weather though, still remains beyond our control" - admitted the spokesman.

Answer To Indian Hockey’s Woes

The Angry Stick

A profoundly unemployable MBA graduate, after hearing about the shoddy treatment meted out to the players of the Hockey team from TV, has come up with a revolutionary plan to bring Hockey to the same level of popularity and prosperity as Cricket. He has charted out an exhaustive action plan to introduce reforms in the game, its marketing and broadcasting. He, of course, predicates the success of the venture on his own appointment as the CEO of Hockey India. When questioned about his experience in any form of sports management that would qualify him for the top spot, he replied that the sports body needs a fresh pair of hands to set it’s affairs straight, not some old snot. “Besides, the present guys are suffering from some form of arithmophobia. Otherwise, who could imagine that money even existed in denominations of 25000s. For getting some big money, they need a guy like me” ­– quipped the self styled consultant. We learned on further research that this fellow had managed to stay unemployed while all his classmates had netted 1.63 offers each by answering some of the most rhetorical B-School interview questions in the most unusual and absurd manner, namely -

The Reason Why Indian Team Skipped The ICC Award Ceremony

A misplaced punctuation mark and a small typo has created an international diplomatic controversy of the magnitude not seen since the time of World War II. As reported by multitude of Indian news channels with enthusiastic energy surpassing the limits of human, the Indian cricket team has snubbed the ICC by turning a No-Show in the ICC Awards ceremony. A delayed invitation was reportedly the reason behind this. But as the ICC has come up with irrefutable evidence of having sent the invite well in advance, the Indian management is now revealing the real reason behind this act.

India's Loss - Explained

You can find the audio post of this article here.

In a shocking disclosure to The Cricketist, an important member of the Indian team on conditions of strict anonymity has admitted that Stuart Broad is the only Englishman responsible for India’s disastrous tour. When The Cricketist incredulously enquired how could one person be blamed for this monster of a horror show that the Indian team has put up when each member of the English team has managed to invoke his own version of terror on them, the member grinned bitterly and pointed at an oddly pasted, semi-torn poster of Justin Bieber on the patch of wall visible from his hotel suite window and said in a broken voice, “He is responsible and so is his lookalike, Stuart Broad”.

Shocking Revelations - Munaf Is A Rock!!!

A group of extremely nerdy Indian Cricket fans, incensed by India’s latest surrender to the English in the meekest of manners, carried out a very extensive fact finding mission to determine the reason behind their beloved team’s continued misfortune. They were particularly disturbed by the mindblowingly nonchalant bowling, batting and fielding display of Munaf Patel, who according to leading psychologists of the world, needs immediate anger management lessons along with urgent help in such advanced cricketing techniques as holding a bat, throwing a ball and standing behind the stumps after having bowled a delivery. Well, the nerds managed to sneak into the dressing room after the match and got hold of some of Munaf’s saliva sample from the face of an unconscious Parthiv Patel who was severely bitten and lacerated by Munaf for having misfielded on one of his deliveries. While the nerds were collecting the sample, Parthiv mumbled in agony that he had never run faster in his life and that for all the dhoklas in the world couldn’t have dived harder to stop the boundary. Parthiv also moaned that Munaf could be a werewolf which the self styled sleuths immediately rejected as Parthiv’s injury induced delirium. One of them observed that if Munaf had even one strand of werewolf DNA in him, he would be faster than Arjuna Ranatunga. As the nerds made a clandestine exit from the dressing room, Parthiv requested them to tell his story in case he did not survive.

You Must Be Joking, Mr Hussain

Dear Mr. Hussain. As a representative of my species I must register my deep disappointment with the absolutely unfair comparison you have made between the Indian Cricket team and us, the donkeys. I have been further anguished by your continued defiance in the face of strong criticism that you have received from the public of India where me and other members of my species are held in no less esteem than the rulers of the country. You must understand that when you compared the Indian team with us, you also compared them with the politicians of the country. I will leave it to you to decide who should be more aggrieved, the cricketers or the politicos.