BCCI, ever the evangelist, has come up with a revolutionary new format to bring uniformity of play in Cricket matches. The technical committee, which rushed in for an emergency session after learning that major sponsors have threatened to take their money to Hockey after India’s deplorable performance in England, has drafted a bill that suggests that all Test and ODI matches be played in a format where both teams will face the same bowling attack.
A spokesman informed that the different pitch conditions, varying weather and especially those inhumanly fast seam bowlers are seriously undermining India's prospects. To address these concerns, the board will co-ordinate a clandestine effort to replace pitch curators around the world with Indian expats who will ensure that India-like pitch conditions are enforced in all cricket grounds. This along with the new proposed format will make India absolutely invincible, if the sources are to be believed. "Weather though, still remains beyond our control" - admitted the spokesman.
When asked for details, a member of the committee told us that in this new format, bowlers of only one team will be required to bowl. The same bowlers will bowl both to the rival batsmen as well as their own. Whichever team scores more will be declared the winner. When shared with the ICC, the apex body raised its strong reservations against this proposal and uttered certain words like ludicrous, preposterous etc before using the specially designed Suck Uttered Words Back machine to remove all evidences of having uttered them from thin air. The BCCI though, got wind of it and threatened to stop the latest cheque that would have paid for the ICC's laundry.
In this new format, bowlers of which side will get to bowl will be determined by toss. “This will make sure that batters of both sides get to perform on a level field, batting against the same set of bowlers” – added an insider in a helpful tone. Given India’s dominance in batting and the ever increasing hopelessness of their bowlers, this format is going to favour them big time. A bespectacled and loony looking guy observed that this gives undue advantage to the side who is going to bowl as their bowlers will bowl easy to their team, the insider gave him a look of pity and said - "they can't be kinder than our bowlers bowling to the opposition, what do we care!!!". When we prodded further, he told us that this reform is being proposed to make sure that the kind of humiliation that the Indian team faced in England is not repeated. Upon being asked if it is not unfair on the bowlers of one team to ask them to bowl the entire match, he paused for a moment and said – “Hell, we didn’t consider that!!!”
It is also being discussed in hush hush tones in the corridors of BCCI that since the maintenance cost of bowlers is hitting an all time high, the whole idea of bowling may be scrapped out of India. Domestic leagues will be played with batsmen shadow batting or hitting suspended balls.
When this brilliant plan ran up to some fierce objections at home with Kapil Dev threatening to launch an Indian Bowlers League where bowlers will be given the license to bowl beamers, seamers, deamers or whatever it took to break a bone or two of the batters, a few concessions were offered. Namely -
- Bowlers may be replaced with Bowling Machines.
- Bowling may be outsourced. Preferably to England since it is only fair after Indians have outsourced all their IT jobs.
- Cricket grounds be scrapped. All matches to be played on PS3 or XBOX. Toss will decide which one is to be used, PS3 or XBOX.
- Nintendo has been ruled out because, ahem, the BCCI doesn't like it.
Geoffrey Boycott, who was enjoying a quiet net session with his grand-ma, had a heart attack when he heard of this proposal. "Rooobbish, bollocksss, arseswi....." - he managed to utter before the coronary kicked in.
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