Bell the damn cat, silly!!

When corporate honchos fail to deliver results, they are booted out.

When actors fail to attract the masses to their movies, they are relegated to the B list.

When 

BREAKING NEWS: Sri Lanka dislodges South Africa from No.1 position in the CHOKER'S LIST

With their recent defeat in the World T20 final to the West Indies, the SriLankans are now officially the World No. 1 in the ICC Choker's List. The confirmation came after the enormity of defeats of both the teams were run through some real tough mathematical formulas and it was found beyond any shred of doubt that SriLanka has edged past the Proteas by a solitary point. As expected, the SriLankan team was too distraught with their latest defeat to comment on this piece of news but Gary Kirsten's SA team has welcomed this development. A national day of rejoice has been declared in South Africa.

On a different note, South Korean pop star PSY has demanded an apology from both the ICC and the West Indies Cricket Board for their flagrant use of his hit single Gangnam Style in reviving the fortunes of the West Indies team. It is an open secret now that this song was the mojo that drove the WI team to an astounding victory in the recently concluded tournament. The ICC has offered PSY an open pass to all its future events and the WICB has announced that it will officially acknowledge PSY's contribution in a formal press release.

The real coup has been pulled by BCCI, who have managed to secure the pop star's services for the IPL events. When PSY was offered the job by a BCCI top negotiator, the incredulous PSY asked - "But you haven't won the tournament? Why should I sing for you?" to which the BCCI mandarin answered - "We got the money!!!"

Shahid Afridi Facts

1. Afridi does not generally age.
2. One Afridi year = 5 Human Years.
3. Shahid Afridi's bat is actually a broken wind mill from heavens. It never stops swinging.
4. Afridi can hit a six of any delivery bowled by any bowler in any ground around the world. But then there are multiple parallel Afridi worlds and we never know which one he is currently in.
5. Afridi can also get out of any delivery bowled by any bowler in any ground around the world. This World!!
6. When Afridi bowls nobody knows which way the bowl is going to turn, not even Afridi!!
7. One Afridi inning is a melange of tragedy, comedy, drama, action, western, noir, neo noir and horror; all genres in five minutes or less. Aamir Khan gets inspired by watching his innings.
8. Head & Shoulder's have signed the wrong Shahid for their commercial.
9. Afridi is the only batsman whose shots can make MSD's shots look elegant.
10. Bowlers do not like bowling to Afridi. They are afraid one of these days ICC is going to strike off Afridi's dismissals from their bowling records.
11. Afridi can get out in two different ways off the same delivery. He misses the line and gets bowled but the atmospheric anomaly created by his godawesome bat swing carries the ball to the long on boundary into the safe hands of a fielder after it has shattered the stumps.
12. Rajinikanth tried the above. He failed.
13. Afridi holds the patent for a procedure in which one can put his brain in a cryogenic store and yet function humanly. The demand for this technology increases each time Afridi comes to bat. 
14. The SR in Afridi's batting record does not stand for "Strike Rate". It stands for "Swing Rate".
15. An alternate theory of Afridi's swinging prowess states that Afridi got his amazing swings after Chuck Norris shook his hand when they first met.

Piyush Chawla's Selection - No Longer a Secret

While Cricket columnists and commentators around the country have gone wildly insane in finding exactly why Piyush Chawla has been selected into the Indian test team, the Kiwi batsmen have reportedly taken this news with much trepidation. Sources reveal that the computer analyst of the NewZealand team has gone through every piece of video, article or blog post that is there on the internet to find a pattern as to how exactly does Chawla get his wickets but has come up with zilch.

An air of despondency has fallen over the already depressed Kiwis who were as such under tremendous mental stress knowing that the star Indian batsmen Laxman and Dravid will not be playing.
"I only agreed to get myself selected as I thought I could get their autographs." - an almost tearful young Kiwi confessed.

Meanwhile, when a bunch of over enthusiastic reporters tried to contact Chawla's parents to get their reaction on the selection, they apparently received a confused reply from them.
"Last we know, he was playing Virtual Cricket with Mantu, the neighbor's kid on PS3. May be he got some wickets in that game"  - was the hopeful conjecture of the father.

The Indian team is also none the wiser about the selection. Coach Fletcher was seen asking whether the Hyderabad stadium has a safe locker for him or not. Reportedly, the last time Chawla was around the dressing room, he had polished off all the high calorie bars and candies. The coach does not want to go empty handed to his grand kids this time.

When we sought Kris Srikkanth's opinion on this bizarre selection he jerked his thumb in our general direction and muttered "Po da, de!!".

Captain Dhoni though cut through the mystery by pointing out that - "Look, they have got Jeetan Patel and I am damn sure they have no idea what they have selected him for. It is only fair we select somebody that can keep us bamboozled. After all, we believe in playing on a level field."

The Cubs Roar

Down Under in the U-19 World Cup, the Indian team has won a cliffhanger against Pakistan in a Quarter Final match. Detailed report here. On a lighter note, the Indian juniors seem to be outdoing their older counterparts in adding dramatics to the mundane. A target of 137 to be chased in 50 overs does not promise the kind of excitement that was on display today in Townsville. Come on kids....think of the cholesterol laden veins and arteries of your parents that must be bursting with anxiety each time one of you got out or decided to take a wild swipe.

India plays New Zealand in the Semi Finals who beat West Indies in a text book T20 style with an Indian origin batsman (IS Sodhi) blasting 17 runs in the final over.

Congratulations to the Indian team. Keep Roaring!!!!

Retired 'Hurt' (?)

We Indians have the rare gift of romanticizing even the least poignant of moments to degrees that can only be called out of proportion. Hence when the most magical and at times most whimsical of our famed batting quartet calls a press conference to let us know that he is hanging his boots,  we can be excused if we go a tad berserk in mouthing our astonishment. Elsewhere in the world, a 38 year old cricketer with indifferent form and of visibly inadequate fitness retiring from the arena would be a natural progression but leave it on us Indians to drum up a conspiracy theory when none exists.

Nobody in the right frame of mind can undermine the contributions of V.V.S. Laxman to India's cause in the last decade and a half or so. Be it the belligerence of Adelaide or the grit in Eden Gardens, his tag of 'Special'  is well earned. In style and poise, he probably even transcends the greatness of his fellow greats.  But let's face it, he is not age proof, he is not form proof. He is as mortal as any of us and hence when his muscles and nerves do not quite cope up with the rigors of the game, he should give up. Inner voice or no inner voice!!

White Wash

A leading wall paint brand from India has announced that it is planning to hire the services of the Indian Cricket Team for certain commercial purposes. When self declared ad-gurus jumped guns to explain the absurdity of making commercials using a team that finishes test matches in the time span of a TV advertisement and thus finds its saleability at par with that of the field hockey team from Samoa, a company official clarified that the team members will not be endorsing the product but would rather be used as consultants in the development of the brands new all weather resistant white paint. The BCCI remained unreachable for comments on this latest development but unconfirmed reports suggest that the powers that be were driving a mean hard deal with the paint company for every dime, nickel and non-existent new paisa for this deal which could herald a totally new vista of earnings.

Intrigued by this totally out of the world thinking by the company when we hit the grapevine, we came to know that the thinktank of the paint company feels that the ability of the Indian Cricket Team to get itself whitewashed in geographically and climatically diverse environments places its members in a unique position to advise the company's researchers in devising the all weather proof white paint.