Harbhajan to the Rescue of the Mentally Diseased

Harbhajan - A modern day Messiah!!

In an important press release, a leading mental health research institute of the country has announced that patients of clinical depression in the most advanced stages are responding positively to treatment after reading the latest news report that Harbhajan Singh has declared his fitness to play and desire to make it large. The accompanying report contains data from the trials conducted on the most hopeless of the patients who had found no relief for their mental agitation even after being administered with elephant tranquilizers. Reportedly, these candidates showed immediate signs of improvement after reading Bhajji's proclamations. “A few of them slept like babies” – said the beaming lead researcher.

The test group selected for the trials had all sorts of mental illness viz. Hallucinations, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder etc. The cause of illness for these persons also varied from incessant barking of the neighbour’s dog to paranoia by watching India TV news reports. Prolonged viewing of Emotional Atyachar, over exposure to Digvijay Singh’s interviews, fear of being chewed alive by Navjot Sidhu’s commentary, watching India play in England and Munaf Patel were some of the other causes. “Yeah, Munaf can do that to people” – confirmed a technician when we expressed our surprise at him being a cause of mental illness. The patients were treated with all possible medicinal and behavioural therapies known to mankind till date but to no avail. “These poor folks just did not respond to it. We even showed them a video clip of Sid Mallya celebrating after an RCB win, but nothing worked” – the aforequoted technician informed. All hope was lost until the news report came that Harbhajan has declared himself fit for the CLT20 tournament. If insider accounts are to be believed, 90% of the test group jumped in air and shouted “Yessss.....I can!!” – a la Obama, after reading the news report. The rest had heart attacks upon hearing the news. It is disputed if those were happy heart attacks or sad ones but the cause-effect relationship with the news article is undeniable.

We managed to extract the contact information of a few of the participants of this trial from the facility to verify the story. One person, a junior software programmer, stated that his hypochondria have been completely cured since reading the article on Harbhajan. “Look, earlier I used to worry myself to death thinking there are bugs all over my code. But if Harbhajan can recover from his imaginary illness, I can swat my imaginary bugs out too” – he added with a grin. Another benefactor of this medical wonder, a humour columnist who had hit an immovable writer’s block ever since CWG jokes went out of fashion, claimed he has rediscovered his muse. “From now on, I will write whole bunch of new stuff on how Harbhajan’s bowling is like the plot of a Shyam Benegal movie. Neither turns when most needed but nevertheless keeps hinting at it” – he declared in an important sounding voice. An MNC banker suffering from suicidal thoughts after having lost the whole savings of all his clients to a risky trade found great solace in the fact that having sunk people who believed in you beyond redemption need not necessarily be the end of the world. “I will be back” – he promised before dialling out the number of his biggest victim to canvass for a new product. A gentleman of advanced years battling Alzheimer's reflected that if Harbhajan can manage to carry on even after having forgotten how to take wickets, he can make do with his fading memory.

News of these findings is already making great waves in international circles. Tigerwoods, whose spectacular fall from grace and acrimonious divorce had rendered him absolutely in no position to date women, has decided to change his approach after hearing the Bhajji story. The golf star has vowed to pursue women with the same spirit as Bhajji’s, making it large. Roger Federer has requested for a private audience with Harbhajan in order to overcome the hurdles of younger opponents, Nadal and Djokovich. “If only he can explain how he has managed to keep the young spinner blokes out of contention.....Hell, I can generate more backspin in my second serve than this guy does with his offspinners” – moaned the legend. Mirka, his wife, annoyed by all this grumpiness asked him to go meet Michael Schumacher instead. “The guy hasn’t won in like 50 races and yet keeps going. Roger should take heart from that”­ – she muttered under her breath.

Harbhajan remained unavailable for comment. He is reportedly testing the possibility of rediscovering his spin magic by bowling under the influence of some made it real large drinks.