Shocking Revelations - Munaf Is A Rock!!!

A group of extremely nerdy Indian Cricket fans, incensed by India’s latest surrender to the English in the meekest of manners, carried out a very extensive fact finding mission to determine the reason behind their beloved team’s continued misfortune. They were particularly disturbed by the mindblowingly nonchalant bowling, batting and fielding display of Munaf Patel, who according to leading psychologists of the world, needs immediate anger management lessons along with urgent help in such advanced cricketing techniques as holding a bat, throwing a ball and standing behind the stumps after having bowled a delivery. Well, the nerds managed to sneak into the dressing room after the match and got hold of some of Munaf’s saliva sample from the face of an unconscious Parthiv Patel who was severely bitten and lacerated by Munaf for having misfielded on one of his deliveries. While the nerds were collecting the sample, Parthiv mumbled in agony that he had never run faster in his life and that for all the dhoklas in the world couldn’t have dived harder to stop the boundary. Parthiv also moaned that Munaf could be a werewolf which the self styled sleuths immediately rejected as Parthiv’s injury induced delirium. One of them observed that if Munaf had even one strand of werewolf DNA in him, he would be faster than Arjuna Ranatunga. As the nerds made a clandestine exit from the dressing room, Parthiv requested them to tell his story in case he did not survive.



The DNA analysis of Munaf’s saliva sample brought out some astoundingly unbelievable results. In fact, if confirmed by a rival laboratory, Munaf could well prove to be the missing link between physical matter and life forms. Detailed analysis by the nerds indicates that Munaf is constituted of the same fundamental particles as a rock. “He is a monolith, damn it” – agonized the lead nerd in complete exasperation. This finding, though in the public domain for the first time, is no secret to the Indian cricket management. Parthiv’s ignorance on this matter could be explained by him being a very irregular member of the team.

“This explains why the man cannot run. He is a god forsaken rock” – observed the second in command before adding that for a rock he has remarkable reflexes. But comes as a bitter surprise is the fact that having known Munaf’s condition, the team has persisted with him. One of the nerds rationalized that perhaps BCCI, in its infinite wisdom, has discovered a use for semi life forms in a live cricket match. “You see, Munaf being a rock, can withstand powerful blows to his body. So when the batsmen hit him hard down the ground he can just stand in the way and save certain boundaries” – commented the chief nerd. Upon asked why does Munaf never do that off his own bowling, he shrugged his shoulders and said – “Well, he is semi-rock, semi-man. The rockman’s brain cannot process information the way a bioman’s does”.  Another rationalization came from a far end of the corner of the lab where the most sacrilegious of the nerds observed that Indian players being extremely god fearing might have mistaken Munaf for an idol. “They must be thinking of him as some God’s monolithic form. May be Shiva, the God of destruction. He does destroy their chances each time, you see.” – chuckled the scrawny nerd before mean looking glances from around the room silenced him. The lead investigator added in a resigned voice that the only utility Munaf could be of now is to lie down on the hotel room floor while his teammates jumped from the top bunk one by one, sure of dying on impact. “That or listening to David Lloyd commentating, they have two options for committing self murder”.


Upon hearing this news, Sunil Gavaskar allegedly popped open two bottles of champagne at the same time, one in either hand while dodging the flying corks with the same efficiency as he had dodged nose high snorters from Messrs Roberts, Marshall & Co. two centuries ago. “I told you the guy was a statue, didn’t I?” – exclaimed the original Little Master in a champagne laced tone of vindication. “For a rockman, he has a lot of rage, doesn’t he? – Sunny G went on in a slightly amused tone - “May be all those fundamental elements have not attained a state of equilibrium yet”.


Munaf’s fans (yes, there are two of them), have rubbished these findings as ridiculous. However, one of the nerd sleuths stands to gain a lot from this research. His doctoral thesis on Human Genetics, which had attained a catatonic state after three years of leading-to-nowhere lab experiments, is expected to kick itself back into life after this marvellous discovery. The nerd is confident he will be able to publish atleast six papers on this topic. “I intend to play ten of Munaf’s recorded matches in front of the PhD council as a part of my thesis defence”  - announced the nerd.


PS: The writer has used more imagination in writing this post than Mahendra Singh Dhoni while he is captaining. It is a work of pure, sardonic fiction.