Answer To Indian Hockey’s Woes

The Angry Stick

A profoundly unemployable MBA graduate, after hearing about the shoddy treatment meted out to the players of the Hockey team from TV, has come up with a revolutionary plan to bring Hockey to the same level of popularity and prosperity as Cricket. He has charted out an exhaustive action plan to introduce reforms in the game, its marketing and broadcasting. He, of course, predicates the success of the venture on his own appointment as the CEO of Hockey India. When questioned about his experience in any form of sports management that would qualify him for the top spot, he replied that the sports body needs a fresh pair of hands to set it’s affairs straight, not some old snot. “Besides, the present guys are suffering from some form of arithmophobia. Otherwise, who could imagine that money even existed in denominations of 25000s. For getting some big money, they need a guy like me” ­– quipped the self styled consultant. We learned on further research that this fellow had managed to stay unemployed while all his classmates had netted 1.63 offers each by answering some of the most rhetorical B-School interview questions in the most unusual and absurd manner, namely -


“Who is your role model?” – “Lalit Modi”
“Name one business thinker whose ideas resonate with you.” – “Arindam Chaudhury”
“What kind of compensation do you expect?” – “Show me the Money!!!”


We have received a copy of this action plan and feel obliged to share some of its salient features, as they are present in the document, with our readers.

• To increase attendance on match days, allow free distribution of beer and other forms of alcohol inside the stadiums. It will attract a more colourful audience and even the fights in the field would be more exciting.
• Make Vuvuzelas a must buy item before entering the stadium. Right to entry should be decided on having a valid ticket and an extra loud vuvuzela. The noise is good.
• Introduction of cheer girls is a must. But since IPL has already hijacked the idea by putting cheer leaders in the most minimalistic clothing attires, the idea of employing nudists for the job has to be considered. People must get to see in Hockey what they don’t in Cricket.
• All players must be given facials and manicures before matches. Hell, appoint Shehnaz Hussain as a beauty coach.
• What’s with those sleeveless jerseys? Ban them. We want the mainstream population to follow the game. Not the others.
  • If the players insist on the sleeveless outfit, they must be forced to shave their arm pit hair. Just doesn’t make a good sight.
• Before all major tournaments, all leading players who are not in relationships must fall in love with a preapproved list of failed actresses, those in relationships must break-up and the married ones must start an affair.
• The coach and the captain must have brawls in regular intervals during off seasons to keep things interesting.
• Recruit Harsha Bhogle to work for Hockey. He is an IIM grad. He can do anything.
• Love for fast bikes, long hair and trouble must get special attention with the player selections. These chaps are easier to market.
• Hire a legion of sports writers who will write endless crap on the matter. Fill all the newspaper space with hockey articles.
• Have more satirists like The Cricketist write for hockey. Pay them to write unbiased satire. These self obsessed narcissists are good for creating a buzz around the game.

When we presented this plan to a Hockey India official, he turned the table on us by accusing us (www.thecricketist.com) of being biased ourselves. “I never see you writing any Hockey article, but you have all these wiseass suggestions for us. You &*^&*%&*%” – he said before attacking us with a hockey stick. Later, when reason was restored, The Cricketist was offered a deal to launch The Hockeyist for no financial compensation but the solemn promise that all members of the Indian Hockey team will visit the site at least once a day. We thought of it was a good deal as the readership thus achieved would far exceed what we normally generate for thecricketist.com even after shameless self promotion on all social networking platforms and sending unsolicited mails to our many harassed friends. But then we realized "Hold on, these Hockey chaps do not have computers let alone internet connections". At this point we lawyered the Hockey India folks up and chickened out.