You Must Be Joking, Mr Hussain

Dear Mr. Hussain. As a representative of my species I must register my deep disappointment with the absolutely unfair comparison you have made between the Indian Cricket team and us, the donkeys. I have been further anguished by your continued defiance in the face of strong criticism that you have received from the public of India where me and other members of my species are held in no less esteem than the rulers of the country. You must understand that when you compared the Indian team with us, you also compared them with the politicians of the country. I will leave it to you to decide who should be more aggrieved, the cricketers or the politicos.



What logic could possibly have incited you to draw such a needless comparison beats me completely. After all, your knowledge of us cannot be any good since there are hardly any found in your country. We don’t like the cold. So when the wise Indians voice their opinion you better listen to them for they and us live in a shared space with much and love and respect for each other. You can come to this country and see for yourself with how much respect we are treated here; motorcades of royalties have been diverted when we stood on the highways ruminating. Talking about standing, your logic could have left some impression on me had the Indian batsmen stood with even a tenth of the determination and resolution with which we stand. All I saw was them walking back to the pavilion with the tails between the legs. You might not know this but not even the most Hitleresque of dhobis in India, and there are quite a few of them, can make us walk when we don’t want to. The tail between the leg part, well, that we leave to the dogs. 
But lets not bring another species into this inter genus controversy.

And when did you see one of us collapsing on the ground out of exhaustion. That Mr. Hussain, never happens. Neither do we pull our hamstrings while doing our job. No sir, our fitness is nothing to be said in the same breath as that of the Indian cricketers. Frankly, I don’t think even your thoroughbreds can match us when it comes to stamina.
You are absolutely off the mark there.

You know Mr. Hussain, a long long time ago when there were tigers and lions swarming in the subcontinent, there have been instances of my ancestors standing ground against those ferocious predators, looking at them eye to eye. Now some may amuse themselves thinking that they were dumb but the brave knew what they were doing. And terror, sir, they felt not. Can you say the same about the Indian batsmen, dear sir? Especially when those monsters of your bowlers were breathing fire. A deer couldn't have been more frightened with a hungry hyena on it than one of those openers facing your Stuart Broad.
Phew!!!. Whatever might have possessed you to make such a grotesque statement.

Not that you may even be remotely aware of this but in India our ambitiousness is not a matter of joke. So much so that a particularly enthusiastic brother of mine had done a lot of groundwork to win the affection of his owner’s daughter, a lovely lass as you would say. Grand plans for an inter-species romance. I see the face of the Indian players and the only hint of  ambition I can detect reads “I will make sure I don’t get hurt this time”.
Not one in our class.

Dear sir, we are also intelligent beings much as you would like to disbelieve. This is disputed but I can tell you when I see a way out of a tricky situation, I run with my tail flying high. When the London riots started I felt the Indians should have done the same, although you couldn’t blame them if their tails were between their legs. Oh, I mustn’t bring the dogs again. Having failed to do that they should have delivered one of our classic back kicks when they had the chance in the T20. Did any of that happen? No. And you still go on making such preposterous accusations!!

You must absolutely be joking, Mr. Hussain.