India's Loss - Explained

You can find the audio post of this article here.

In a shocking disclosure to The Cricketist, an important member of the Indian team on conditions of strict anonymity has admitted that Stuart Broad is the only Englishman responsible for India’s disastrous tour. When The Cricketist incredulously enquired how could one person be blamed for this monster of a horror show that the Indian team has put up when each member of the English team has managed to invoke his own version of terror on them, the member grinned bitterly and pointed at an oddly pasted, semi-torn poster of Justin Bieber on the patch of wall visible from his hotel suite window and said in a broken voice, “He is responsible and so is his lookalike, Stuart Broad”.
In the course of this clandestine, cloak and dagger kind of interview, the player revealed how every time the Indian players walked into the playground they were distracted by the imposing figure of Stuart Broad and his striking resemblance with the teen sensation, Bieber. He cited a particular incident where a senior member of the team, who was on the threshold of eternal cricketing glory was so troubled by the incessant badgering of his teenage daughter, a diehard Bieber fan, on match nights to get the pop star’s autograph that all he could think of while batting was whether it would be OK to get Broad’s photograph and autograph to shut the pesky kid off. “That was why his concentration was all over the place” – rued our anonymous source. Another attacking fast bowler best known for his dancing skills and affinity to head banging rock music, strayed in line, length and mind because he was totally convinced that Broad was Bieber and that he ought to do something about that.  “All he wanted to do was break into convulsive air guitaring and sing ‘Hole In My Sole’ at a pitch higher than Steve Tyler’s while Stuart was batting. He even brought it up in the team meeting. The captain vetoed it. After that, he was a broken man” – we discerned sympathy in our informant’s voice.

The issue further exacerbated as two Indian players who are religious fans of Md. Rafi decided to go on a youtube defamation crusade against Bieber. They have reportedly visited every existing youtube entry of Bieber’s songs and spewed vitriol against him in the comments section. They were reportedly put to this task by a self styled think tank of the team who held the opinion that Broad was Bieber in disguise. The crusaders expected Broad looking Bieber to read these comments and get agitated. Only, they were busy planning their next guerrilla youtube attack while fielding and let go of a lot of sure catches.

A young member of the team though seems to have volunteered as a youtube defamer out of a desire to exact revenge on his ex-girlfriend who dumped him to be a part of Bieber Sisterhood.

Few from the Indian camp, who were hitherto unaware of who Bieber was got curious and downloaded scores of his songs and wallpapers behind the back of others out of the fear of being lampooned as not urbanized enough to be listening to Eeenglis music and being unaware of Bieber who they assumed was a British version of Sonu Nigam. To their dismay, when word sneaked out, their sexuality was put under a powerful microscope. “They were forced to take a blood oath that they were not like ‘those’ – our man revealed. All this apparently left them in no state of mind to play competitive cricket. “Broad’s ominous presence in the ground remained a stark reminder of their questioned masculinity” – philosophized the informant.

Another source, no less credible, however reports that the Indian team suspects Broad might  be Draco Malfoy. That would explain those humanly impossible swings and speeds with which Broad terrorized the Indians. “From being hit for six sixes in an over to coming close to uprooting six stumps with a cricket ball in a single delivery, Broad must have used some sort of dark magic to achieve such prowess” – mused the source. Upon being reminded that Draco is an imaginary character and that dark magic is pure superstition, this source cast a contemptuous glance. “Harry Potter is the real deal and so is Malfoy, not Hari Puttar which is just an Indian spin off of a legit Western Hero. As for dark magic, go visit my grandmother in UP and she will tell you how real that is” – he chastised us.

Both the sources claimed corroboration to their theories from the fact that since Broad got injured in the 4^th ODI and was not visible to the Indian team for the better part of the match, they could eek out a tie. “We were jinxed otherwise” – thundered both in indignant rage. “He got that muscle tear because I was wearing a Kaala Jaadu Raksha Kavach which my daadi has sent from India.” – claimed the second source. “Had she sent it by Blue Dart instead of Speed Post, we could even have won a few matches” – he added in a lamenting voice.

Prior to publishing this shocking report, we sought the BCCI’s comments on it. “We will send thirty specially prepared Raksha Kavachs immediately” – announced the spokesman without hesitation. Off the record, BCCI has also started a very persuasive hush-hush campaign to make sure Justin Bieber is renditioned to an unknown location before the Indian team’s next trip to England in 2014.

PS: This is a work of absolute fiction. We bear no ill will towards Justin Bieber and his fans. As for Draco, well, The Cricketist is a great fan of that sick rat Death Eater’s progeny and shares a lot of common traits with the white head.